Darknessesssss

Haven't posted anything for a while now. Feels kinda weird jump-starting a convenient habit (by meaning that I conveniently developed this habit to avoid writing important things like college admission essays, assignments, etc)

I'm bad I know :(

Notice the skin change? :D

Not really a change of skin, the template is still the same boring ol' "simple" template by blogger since I'm too too lazy to code my own (haha really? code? I haven't gotten into those things since 6th grade) or find a cooler looking blog skin from other websites. But yeah, I guess I don't really give that much beef to site appearances as I thought I would.

Why I changed it though? wellll I was bored yesterday and I have been frequently listening to sad and sultry music. I'll tell you how they both coincide in order to trigger my mind into changing the skin, but I want to talk more on my mild obsession with devastating songs first. I guess it's ever since I bought the "Coexist" album by The xx and became totally addicted to its sounds of pure longing and emotion stirring beats, not to mention awesome guitar and bass sounds, I started going into more of their stuff, such as songs I didn't listen to from their first album. And I came to this conclusion: You can't just listen to one xx song and stop at there, you'll want to listen more because even after you've heard that song once, the guitar riffs(if that's what you call it, their's sound more like chimes or bells to be more precise) echo in your head until you feel restless if you don't listen to that song again right away. I discovered other bands similar to their sound too, and fell in love again with Sufjan Stevens. I guess I'm just a person who loves depressing lyrics (not saying all of their lyrics are depressing, 'Our Song' is definitely excluded).

So yeah, the moodiness in the aftermath and boredom brought me into altering the color, background and header of my blog. Nothing big though.

My lil sis said that it doesn't look good. Pffft

I like it.

Our Song.

I just love these lyrics so much. I feel like I want to dedicate this to everyone I love :)

All I have
I will give to you
In dark times
When no one wants to
I will give you me
And we’ll be
Us

And there’s no one else
Who knows me
Like you do
What I’ve done
You’ve done too
The walls I
Hide behind
You walk through
You just walk through

Well I know all the words
To take you apart
You know I know your heart
I want to mend your heart
You’re broke down
Why don’t you tell me from the start
You know I know your heart
I want to mend your heart

And there’s no one else
Who knows me
Like you do
What I’ve done
You’ve done too
The walls I
Hide behind
You walk through
You just walk through

It's hard...

I dread the times when I choose to break a friendship I had with someone.
Because unless he/she doesn't do anything to irritate me to my last nerve, it is just sad.
I love every single one of my friends, and memories still linger in my thoughts.




But question: I love you, you don't love me the same way or you just don't consider me at all knowing that you have more friends and ignore/neglect me completely. What should I do but call the "friend" term off just to save the hurt I was enduring?

Is it my fault I chose myself instead of a friend?

Lately I have been cold, heartless to the ones I loved most. I'm not usually that type of person, and it's especially hard and hateful to do it to those particular people.

It's not like I want them to constantly message me or chat with me all the time. I just want to be acknowledged as a friend, maybe like having my texts replied after a long time not talking to that someone or maybe getting a call from them asking me how I was doing. (The latter is just an example though, there are more ways to acknowledge a friend in my definition even in the smallest efforts)

I just want proof of their sincerity of the friendship we are having, it's okay if you haven't the time and place to catch up with me, but knowing that you actually can and you do absolutely nothing about it...I just can't.

I can't go on with thinking how I am pining for something that doesn't actually exist.

I always thought it was sad
The way we act like strangers
After all that we had
We act like we had never met ~ "Sunset" by The xx

I have become rather minimal O_O

As far as I am concerned. There's no one I need to be there for me at all times......
And I want to fix things that I think are meant to be.

Subhanallah...why am I such a screw-up -_-

Next thing on my wishlist....

Note: I really hope rockcorner is updated.

Pain.

Fantasy

I love it when lyrics of a song sound like poetry when read. And how the simplicity of the music takes you away with the meaning channeled throughout, even if it is the fewest verses with the fewest lines followed.

More emphasis on the lyrics for this Great Music 4#

Title: Fantasy
Artist: The xx

For the desired effect
Would you come back August or June, June
And I hate that tomorrow's too soon
But this collision, came mid bloom

Better built to resume
I'll see you August, see you June
I'm building higher than I can see
I want fantasy

Don't rest with the less
I'm burning to impress
It's deep in the middle of me
I can be fantasy



The lyrics, more recited than sung, only took about less than a quarter of the song's content. The rest is the most soothing base you will ever hear, and a few perfect one-string guitar plucks to end it.

The meaning is open to interpretation, but the message I'm receiving is the yearning from an unrequited love.

And the last verse, specifically the lines "Don't rest with the less, I'm burning to impress" and "I can be fantasy"
gets me all the time.

Two parts.

Part One: To that friend behind curtains.

I know how you feel,
Peeping out to see the world,
All the joy,smiles, and laughter,
Makes you loose grip,
"I can never be like them"
And you say this as you forget to breathe.

O little alienated boy,
I see you trying to change your surface,
Be one of them,
So you did, and so you are one of them.

You too find yourself being jovial, smiling, and laughing,
Set out for life in full-fledged friendship.

With the sunny disposition you have acquired,
Nothing can stop you.

Except for that damn curtain.
It haunts you
It reminds you
And you have grown so accustomed to it before

The wind blows the curtain,
The words you spoke of before now hit you
You fall to the ground
You look up to see it dancing by the wind
"I can't be like them" - Were the sentences strung out from every wave.
So much it echoes in your head
And so much you find yourself uttering it once again
That evil curtain draws you in
Unmoved, but dragged
Until you are behind it once again

The wind stops
The curtain seals you.

But the fellows you formed relations with
Only see you
As you cower behind your imaginary curtain.

Part Two: Big Bad Wolf

I went to Big Bad Wolf clearance sale.
Walked for one hour. Gathering every book that holds my interest.
-Musee d'Orsay (hardcover and large)
-Complete Encyclopedia of cats (large)
-Why we ditched pluto, Neil degrass Tyson (hardcover)
-Feuds between scientists over the years (Medium)
-Captain America original Marvel Comic book
-Another pan (new version of peter pan)
-Daily dose of knowledge (Medium, hardcover)
-Bitches (girlie novel)
-Winnie the pooh (for tasnim)

All to find out in the end, that debit card does not operate after midnight.
I came back with nothing. Carrying all that load for nothing.

I only have myself to blame.
-

Pursuit of knowledge.

The barricade of pursuit
To what reason does it hold
for me to be wallowed in fear
The mere wanting
Is steady and easy,
but the failure of doing
brings me grave anguish

For the state of knowing
Became the most blessed of all
Nothing else mattered
The words were in my reach

The triangular folds expose themselves
Harmonizing with ecstasy
Lengthening, soon to be grandeur

If the words were too much
Knifing my limited train of thoughts
Slumber-land will I enter
With the paper breaking my fall
Rocking me
Rocking
While in sleep, I am famished
Wake me please
Do not let me starve for too long
I want more of you
Please, give me more of you

Today after my cold evening shower, as I had not bothered going to the shower place that has electric heater, I dried my hair using a hair dryer. The outside world faded in the aftermath of a drizzle. I used the hair dryer to warm my cold feet. It was a nice feeling.

Philosophy

Dunno why, but I like now somehow.
I guess this complements my theory of knowledge in the first place:
Anything positive learned is interesting and worthwhile.

Philosophy does hurt your brain a little though, its mixed up like a salad with the thousand island being too watery to hold the tomatoes(facts) and lettuces(definitions) together. But as you succeed in taking a spoonful of both tomato and salad, it's the most awful taste you ever encountered because of the watery thousand island. But hey, it's good for your health! :D

Haha I really hope I'll eventually finish that bowl salad, because I need to defecate those fibers tomorrow. X_X

Great Music #3

Title: You've Got a Friend
Artist: James Taylor

When you're down and troubled and you need a helping hand
and nothing, whoa, nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me and soon I will be there
to brighten up even your darkest nights.

You just call out my name, and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call and I'll be there, yeah, yeah,
you've got a friend.

If the sky above you should turn dark and full of clouds
and that old north wind should begin to blow,
keep your head together and call my name out loud.
Soon I will be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name, and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call and I'll be there.

Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend? People can be so cold.
They'll hurt you and desert you. Well, they'll take your soul if you let them,
oh yeah, but don't you let them.

You just call out my name, and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call, Lord, I'll be there, yeah, yeah,
you've got a friend. You've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend. Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
Oh, yeah, yeah, you've got a friend.

 

I planned to sing this song to my best friend, Nurul Najwa binti Ghazali as her birthday was yesterday.
But due to myself being an idiot of not remembering that she changed her number, I didn't get to call her on that day(I phoned her old number, while actually having her new one in my contacts). I never found someone more analogous to the song meaning, which reflects my feelings towards a true blue friend who struck by me in every aspect of my emotional state. Whether I'm happy, crazy, jealous, or in the lowest point of my self-esteem, she never failed to keep me upright and make notice that she was always there. I remember sitting alone and looking rather sour, no one dared to approach me. I felt rather neglected, but she was the only person looking at me to catch how I looked and made sure a smile formed on my face while she presented hers.

I really can't say the same to any friend I have right now, I mean, they're all really nice and I love them dearly, but no one has ever treated me like she did. I sat down alone in the cafeteria today, not anyone of my friends said hi or asked why I was sitting alone or even offered themselves to sit with me. It wasn't a big deal, I mean, being alone wasn't a big deal. It's my nature to sit alone when eating in MRSM. Only one of those people said hi to me, the others..I don't know. Whether it's because they were unaware of my presence or they were afraid to say hi to me...it hurts that they don't even try. I don't feel like I'm treated like a friend.

But that's alright, if that's the way this world wants to treat me. Ignored when alone, ostracized. I have no problem with being alone. A teacher once asked me why I always ate alone in the cafe in MRSM. Really? why did he ask such a thing? It's not awful sitting by yourself to eat. You get more time to chew on your food because no one's waiting for you to finish, or you can quicken your eating speed because you don't have to wait for anyone else and carry on with your tasks. It seems so stereotypical to acquaint loneliness with weirdness or oddness. I'm normal as normal can be, I don't need people to be around me to complement that. And it's annoying when people straight away call you anti-social just because you prefer being in your room to do things you want to do. I'm not afraid of the world, I can get out to explore whenever I want to.

phew, this is more like a confession than a Great Music post O_o. Gonna stop now.

Can't wait to see najwa again :)

Now I understand, What you tried to say to me

The final paper for Art105 requires us to write an essay regarding our choice of any painting in the 17th,18th. and 19th century, which includes the historical events of the painting's century, the artist's Technical Innovations and our own opinion on the painting.

I haven't posted anything related to art in a long time. Paintings I plan to finish are dormant, and I do not know when I'll start again. But preparing for this essay sparked my art-senses (hehe). I was reminded again on why  I love painting.

So I'll just copy-paste and edit whatever's necessary to share the revival of my love in art. 

Vincent Van Gogh, a man who was in touch with his emotions and expresses them through the colors in his painting.




Paragraph 1: (Historical Events)
   The Second Industrial Revolution, became the 19th century’s progress in Industrialization. Scientific Knowledge continued guiding public to make technological advances. Darwin’s Theory of Origin of Species (Survival of the fittest) had contributed to the competition of industrialization. The change of lifestyle in society led to consciousness of differentiating “old” and “new”, thus developing modernism and modernist art. Photography was also introduced to the public, creating a freezing-time image, which is unlike the images for painting.


Paragraph 2: (Technical Innovations of Starry Night)
   Starry Night is a post-impressionist painting by the Dutch artist, Vincent Van Gogh. The technical innovation provided by Van Gogh is the emotional sentiment that can be shown by color, line, shape and brushstrokes.

 (there's supposed to be a diagram of the breakdown of colors :p)

   The diagram above shows the breakdown of the color system where Vincent Van Gogh applied pure colors of the colors shown in diagram when creating The Starry Night. The color he chose indicated his mood and feeling.

Paragraph 3 (continuation of Technical innovations)
   The color Blue became dominant because it symbolizes oppression and calmness. The blue is applied in wild, wavy brushstrokes which is applied so thick you can feel the surface. This shows the extent of the artist’s emotional outreach on the painting.Van Gogh became the first man to break the system of impressionist and became the father of post Impressionism. He killed himself, thinking that he was a failure in painting.

Paragraph 4 Opinion:
   Vincent Van Gogh indicated painting as a window for expressing our emotions, which I agree without any doubt. In the painting conducted in my Studio class, I explored the techniques of impressionism and expressionism and learned that each color has a psychological effect. The greens indicated envy, blue calmness, black despair and red anger. Where when put together in the painting produced, created a variety of emotional chapters to each parts and strokes. In a lot of Van Gogh’s paintings, the aura of his depressed nature combined with the brushstrokes he puts on the canvas.Every visible stroke on his paintings struck me as emotional sentiments, as if feeling his depression diffusing into my soul from merely looking at those paintings. Though achieving the title of father of post-impressionism, the pain felt by Van Gogh when he was alive will never be masked by new-age titles. As told from his last words, heard from his brother, “The sadness will last forever”.

It may not be an official post on Great Music, but this post nevertheless is meant to be related to this Great Music #2

Title: Vincent
Artist: Don McLean 

Starry, starry night.
Paint your palette blue and grey,
Look out on a summer's day,
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.
Shadows on the hills,
Sketch the trees and the daffodils,
Catch the breeze and the winter chills,
In colors on the snowy linen land.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.

Starry, starry night.
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze,
Swirling clouds in violet haze,
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue.
Colors changing hue, morning field of amber grain,
Weathered faces lined in pain,
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.

For they could not love you,
But still your love was true.
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night,
You took your life, as lovers often do.
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you.

Starry, starry night.
Portraits hung in empty halls,
Frameless head on nameless walls,
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the strangers that you've met,
The ragged men in the ragged clothes,
The silver thorn of bloody rose,
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they're not listening still.
Perhaps they never will...

 

Oh and another interesting news I found
Van Gogh did not commit suicideI'll leave you guys to judge.
And here's a montage of Vincent's paintings + that song playing in the background :)

Really now?

Am I the only girl around here who doesn't give a shit to other people's preference or obsessions?
Let them enjoy what they like! Twi-hards, Potter aficianados(picked this up from answers.yahoo), Directioners, beliebers. I mean come on people! There's one thing about being opinionated, but widely bashing them in front of their faces as if you're a much better person or have much better preference in music, books or films is just arrogant and sad. You might think they don't know better and should see things in this way or that way, but trust me, whether you do as much as you can to crush their spirits, hating on their guts or their obsession's, they will not change unless reason strikes upon them. So yeah, you'll just be hating, haters >:p. And it's as if you guys don't have a secret embarrassing obsession that you think might not be tolerated by society(I HIIIIGHLY doubt none of you have at least one :p). Sure I sound like Chris Crocker shouting "Leave those aimlessly obsessed tweens alone! TAT" but yeah! I'm sayin' that to whomever applies!

Just leave 'em be. That's all.

Unless they transgress the bounds of even putting obviously over LEVEL 9999999999999999 more talented people and those manufactured forms of entertainment together in one sentence.

Waitaminute. *goes to realization that the girl just said ONE DIRECTION and THE BEATLES in the same sentence...with the word COMPARE*

Brain: Neuro-circuits malfunction in 3 2 1...
*BOOM!*
*drools in the aftermath of explosion*
*looks at screen*
 vasdkjfahfksjhlllkjhasskfjhaskmsinfdtooperathewbazhookatoiditoteishsaed!!!
(translate: At least I still have bits of my brain to operate this bazooka to the idiot's head!)
*BAZOOOKABOOM!* 

....
(20 seconds later, at the ISSPC Head quarters)
Cat: We here gather, in honor of the death of one of our dearly respected accomplices.
Penguin 1: And what better place to assemble, than in the Igloo Society for Seal, Penguins and Cats.
Lion: But I'm a lion, it should be ISSPCL.
Cat: *hisses* SHUT UP! Like it or not, you're a part of the cat family!
Penguin 2: Fellas! Can you just calm down! We have a ceremony to go through here!
Penguin 3: *shoves Penguin 2* Oh since the Harp Seal of Peace died one minute and a half ago, you think it's your frekkin right to order people to calm the hell down.
Penguin 2: *shoves Penguin 3 harder* I'll order to calm the hell down whoever I want to!
*Penguin 3 and 2 loudly bickers, Penguin 1 tries to intervene, Lion and cat goes through, yes, a cat-fight. *

But penguin 4 could not take any of this situation, she reminisced the times they spent when Harp Seal was around, always bringing peace to the endless cold and civil wars between cat to cat, penguin to penguin, penguin to cat and cat to penguin. The excruciation, felt of her absence. No, Harp Seal would never let this happen!
Penguin 4: guys, GUYS. SHUT THE F*K UP ALL OF YOU!

To the rest of the clan's astonishment, Penguin 4 finally swore her first swear word.
The bickering and fighting eased and sets their eyes upon the then innocent little Penguin number 4.
Cat: Well, as an ISSPC tradition, one who swears her first swear word deserves signification of her dignity.
Penguin 1: Yes, because every swearer always had better emphasis of their dignity.
Penguin 4: *Calms down* And as such, I would request that we look again at the society's prime directive.
Lion: *scratches maine* and what may the prime directive be?
Penguin 2: See? this is why we don't have an L to the acronym of our Society. You don't even bother knowing our PRIME DIRECTIVE?
Cat: Quit it guys! Now, explain Penguin 4, what is our prime directive.
Penguin 4: Our Prime directive, that empowers us all, is the value of friendship, integrity, and loyalty to our theme song.
Penguin 3: *Hums the tune* Friends, Friends, Friends!
Penguin 4: *smirks* Precisely. To which one verse says "If you get murdered, I'll avenge your death".
Penguin 1: *gasp* Penguin 4! You don't mean...?
Penguin 4: Yes, we must kill the human who had caused the end of our Chief of Peace's life. Harp Seal has indeed became a Martyr for commencing what she did.
Lion: You mean, bazooka-ing a laptop screen that reflects on herself afterwards causing her to die?
Cat: One more word out of you, and you wont get a bazooka that we will all be equipped with in the ninth line after this line!
Lion: eep. I'll behave ._.
Penguin 2: But it was an unfair advantage for the human! Harp Seal was left with only a small portion of her brain to realize that the human was in a computer shield!
Penguin 4: Correct number 2. Harp Seal defended The Beatles' name from being defiled by a *shudders* teeny boyband, and  in her most underprivileged state. A heroin, a heroin to us all! 

A single tear was seen coming out from each of the clan members. Even from the now strong-hearted penguin number 4.

Penguin 4: *flicks drop of tear away* Which is why...

*All of the ISSPC clan suddenly were armed with Bazookas, except for lion*
Lion: hey! You told me I could get a bazooka if I didn't speak, cat!
Cat: You let out more than one word just now didn't yah?
Lions: *growls under his breath*
Penguin 4: *engages Bazooka* This sh*t is going down.





KAY! I'm gonna stop sheesh. You'd do this too if you were...well I don't know anymore.
Bottom line, be sensible with your obsessions. Because you never know when a cat and a few penguins may gang up to kill you.
(Lion: Hey what about me! You created me too!)
Shut up lion.

I too, am hormone driven.

Assalamualaikum :)

Being inspired by my mate's(the beautiful, talented and blonde!) blogpost, I kinda rambled with the thought of a future husband/soul mate and along with the other aspects of girlish dreams listed by her, but this thought came first. (What can I say? Hormones.)



But oy vey, I am just not mature for this D:
As in, my usual thoughts of "the perfect one" would be derided by rationality of its non-existence.
No one in the DAMN world is perfect.
And no one is better at knowing what the perfect person for you would be like besides the One who is the Ultimate perfection, and All-knowing. (see how that relates..?)

But as human as I am, I'm just going to continue rambling, but hold to mind that I believe not 0.00001% of them coming true.

As quoted by Daria "You know dreams don't come true".

What I would want "him" to be like:
1. Full of knowledge, and loves to share it.
ESPECIALLY if it's regarding Islam. I'm in desperate need for spiritual coaching. And of course the fact that I want him to lead me to the road of jannah :)

2. Listens VERY WELL but talks extremely well as well! (WELLLLLLLLLWELLLWELLLL)

3. Plays the guitar/banjo

4. Tries his best to understand every part of me, but does not show that he's actually doing it.

5. Willing to watch a cartoon show with me on Sundays.
....And enjoys it.

6. Able to bring out my best qualities, but does not take advantage from it or take it for granted.

7. Sings the songs I'm currently singing until we finish the whole song. 
Doesn't matter if he's a bad singer, just don't mess up the lyrics. Unless if you're trying to make it funny.

and the hardest part.

8. Loves me more than I love him.

And to complement my pessimism, these are just the traits I do not ever ever want in my *gulp* soul-mate. (feels weird putting the word "my" and "soul-mate" together O__O)

1. He smokes. IN PUBLIC. (just felt the need to express more on this fact)
I can take it if that person is actually caught up with an addiction, and does not expose it to the public air. Addictions are hard to get rid of, but smoking in public is just showing what a DOUCHE you really are!
Just because you want to die faster, doesn't mean the world wants to join you! And what more, it does more danger to US who do not smoke! Seriously, have your last cigarette in public and kill yourself. LITERALLY.

2. Thinks he's always right. (this one too)
I can take it if that person stands his ground on an opinion he believes in, but don't think only your opinion matters and is the best one just because you're an alpha male and your significant other is just "too emotional" to think clearly. If you do so, then go live in another planet on your own where whatever you say is undoubtedly right.

3. Has awful music taste.
Even after I preached him with my songs of love and serenity, he still chose disco music TAT

4. Nosy with everything I do and asks annoying questions.

5. Hates cats.
You CRUEL, SICK person.

6. Ignores the things I say, even when they are unimportant
I thought you're supposed to build up my spirit and confidence, not crush it T__T

7. Thinks he has the right to advise people, and overdoes it.

8. Annoying.

 Welllp, that's about it. Haha just to conclude, I don't feel it's entirely impossible to have these traits come to life, its not like I stuck by the childish dream of having a tall, dark, and handsome Gregory Peck looking or blue-eyed  dreamboat as a husband.

I'll just pray to the All-Knowing that these would be the result, when I smile with closed eyes and decided calmly that "you. you're the one.".

*gives you the puke bucket*
PEACE! Assalamualaikum...

Something I did.

Ever felt the need to practice your typing before?
Well, I can say mine has much improved now, because my way of typing before was not ideal.
I shall give my thanks to my ENL101 Lecturer and the jump he gave on all of us for stating that we need to type using all eight fingers (Thumbs for spacing) to pass the toefl writing task.
Which to me is not that likely if you are a fast two-finger typist and not used to typing with eight in the first place. But since I had the initiative to convert myself, I now clumsily type with blah blah,,
Okay moving to the purpose of this post:

I wanted to practice typing once, so I opened microsoft Word and typed this in:

Title: "Typing Practice"

Practicing to type hahahaha what am I supposed to do for toefl? Hmmmm I remember back then when I used to have a diary on kyes laptop. She read it once but it didn’t seem to bother her, well it certainly bothered me. I soo need to stop stalking people. But this mind is too too curious blegh abcdefghijklmnop qrstuv wx yz so now ive learned the real name of this typing technique tis aweeesome!

THEEND

P/s: No offense to everyone. I am a creep.