No Face

I'm alone, I am Lonely...

Thinking back each time referencing to Hiyao Miyazaki's 'Spirited Away', I did not realize how intrigued I was to the monster "No face". His character seem to contain some sort of breathtaking depth which really stood out for me than all the other characters in the movie. I somehow find the way he communicates to Chihiro/Sen, uttering only a chafing  "Aaah...aah"  while offering her gold or bath tokens, charming. I normally repel to characters whom I deem to be of no significance to the story or would label as "loser" at the twitch of my nose, but there's so much to relate about this distinct cartoon character.

   Old people, for instance, have the most awful case of feeling lonely. My aunt told me a story before about this aunt she had, now deceased, that was sent to an Old Folks Home due to being ostracized to members of her own family. During the time when she was living, she wasn't given the rizq to marry anyone and most of my family members despised her, saying that she was rotten and she treated people rottenly. She hadn't any mental illness, but she had an odd habit of picking out dirt and rubbish scattered by the roadside, which everyone else in the neighborhood would label her insane when she really isn't. My aunt visited her frequently in the home, but had always left the place scarred by depression and pity. I myself had once seen loneliness in the eyes of a Chinese senior citizen from a visit to an Old Folks Home in Kajang. She was a 90-something with almost no family and had communication problems since none of the other Chinese folks and caretakers could understand her dialect. Her eyes mystified me and put me into transition of imagining her as my grandmother, who turned 90 just this year. I wanted to hold her hand almost all the time during the visit to make her feel happy, and tried my best not to let my emotions overcome me and cry to the bitter realization that this woman has absolutely no one to connect with.

At least you had a peaceful train-ride with Chihiro :)

    Young people sometimes have it just as bad, especially when they are perceived as different. A quote by one young Michael Jackson got to me back then "Sometimes it's hard for me to look my dates in the eye even if I know them well. My dating and relationships with girls have not had the happy ending I've been looking for. Something always seems to get in the way. The things I share with millions of people aren't the sort of things you share with one. Many girls want to know what makes me tick - why I live the way I live or do the things I do - trying to get inside my head. They want to rescue me from loneliness, but they do it in such a way that they give me the impression they want to share my loneliness, which I wouldn't wish on anybody, because I believe I'm one of the loneliest people in the world." And not many people realize this, how one of the greatest entertainers had his share of feeling excruciatingly forlorn. He once put mannequins in his house and talk to them, wishing that they could come alive and answer back.

   I sometimes feel the wrath of loneliness as well. Especially after losing people I had really good relationships with before. Trouble is I have difficulty in expressing the reason why I'm like that, as the way I have difficulty in expressing everything else about myself. And I know I can't fully blame the personality disorder, since I think that was only a way for me to have an official excuse when it clearly isn't the case. I don't see myself a misfit as much as I was before. Eating alone in the high school cafeteria back then wasn't a bother to me at all as it was to other people observing me. Which probably made me bother it more intensely since other people bothered about it more than I did. So sometimes now I don't bother eating at all if I had no one to go with. I might think of having a few pets, maybe a cat, hamsters and a bunch of fishes. Heck, I'm even thinking of an iguana for a companion. Maybe after the stresses of human relationships, they'll welcome me lovingly even if they actually just want me to feed them.