I ponder at people who live life in utter bliss. Those who feel competent, complete and carefree of worry, well, at least excessive worrying. But as the song "With A Child's Heart" by Michael Jackson goes, almost none of it could be achieved by anyone other than children. Though through my belief and understanding, this wouldn't entirely be the case. Devout Muslims seem to have more insight to these factors as they are in constant strife to build and mold themselves better for no one other than our Rabb, pertaining to the actual goal of life. I long for the strength of their Iman, wondering if I'll ever be in the least bit like them.

  And the ones who fostered the most of my envy are those who were blessed with eternal enlightenment as they weren't before. I can name a few of my friends and family members who before regularly disregarded the hijab now adorn them in the most beautiful demeanor. I stand in awe as they continue to bloom like morning glories, always in search for the light. And I stand only as the quiet and pathetic observing shrub.

  There are so many things I want to change about myself, most notably my naivety, inattentiveness, and sensitivity. Funny thing I came across to two days ago, it was a quiz on personality disorders, and I have the highest symptoms for being a "dependent". That is to be explained by its definition; Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. Dependents often remain in abusive relationships. Over-sensitivity to disapproval is common. Dependents often feel helpless and depressed. This might not be entirely true for me, but I sure as hell agree with the part about the need to be taken care of, fear of losing people, make others do my decisions(not necessarily important ones, I'm just naturally indecisive to almost everything), jump from relationship to relationship, over-sensitivity to disapproval, and of course, feeling helpless and depressed. I'm not totally ashamed of this, but it does make me think of myself as a pathetic loser. I have no reason to be like this since there are more things I need to be more thankful of, but it certainly does kill me and leave me discouraged every time the realization strikes. At times I'd like to shout at everyone "I'm not looking for your approval, I wish to be comfortable with my own skin without any care from your judgement!" but I know it's not true, I long for approval, acceptance. I want to be heard of, through my cries and joys. I've only came across only a few jems who are able to understand. And a few others who I thought would have understood, but in the end become remotely indifferent to my existence.

    I'm not yearning for a romantic relationship, I don't think I'm able to withstand in it anyway. Maybe I'd rather surround myself with creatures of wild like Ace Ventura and remain an "anak dara" for the rest of my life. But I want those jems to be kept with me wherever I go. And may the Lord bless them for their kindness.

I'm in INTI now, but as for the paintings I'm going to need help from friends for the picture taking, so it might take longer for me to upload. And I made a sketch for the new painting I'm going to work on. I'll show it for the "before" phase, and compare it to the "after" to see if it turned out nice our like "taik".


HAHAHAH I did this when I was depressed yesterday. I guess it is a medium for creativity(?) :D