Within the current moments, I feel as if I’m floating in this unforgiving pool of life’s bubbles. Each bubble containing memories and persons where the word ‘expectation’ or ‘impact’ became their link to one another. What I seem to gather is that the link is rather brittle, to a point of disconnection. Maybe one day it will sink into forgetfulness? But that is not what the soul experiences. I honestly believe that there is no way for a person to truly forget things that happen in their lives. It may come from the belief of accountability in an afterlife, though. You wouldn’t be made accountable if you can’t realize the actions you’ve made within consciousness. Maybe even as one experiences memory loss due to sickness of age, it just stays cooped up somewhere in the subconscious mind or whatever the psychological term is. It’s really a scary thought, especially reflecting upon my grandmother’s experience of memory loss through the awful strokes she went through. I just hope throughout her days that she maintains a state of bliss that people surrounding her wouldn’t understand. Like a secret pact between her and God. I only hope that I may achieve the same thing.
They say the best way to endure life is to always remember God and to let your problems be given to God. As well as to remember God as being merciful towards the mistakes we made and that He ultimately forgives them. I hope and pray to the highest heavens that I do not blaspheme as I say this but, it’s not exactly working out for me. I don’t know, perhaps it is due to my failures of making sincere and calculated prayers. And just that maybe I do not always paint a nice picture of God all the time. “The way your Creator is to you depends on how you make Him to be". I mean I guess that makes sense...but really though shouldn't it be more of an independent factor? Shouldn't my Creator just be The Most Forgiving, Most Merciful without my asshole-ish tendencies to not realize His qualities shining through what I have around me that is great and wonderful? I guess the words within the quotation marks refer to the character of the believer more than it is towards the factual qualities of the Creator. I've always dreamt of a life where I constantly think of God just swiftly out of nature. But even the Prophet (as well as the Quran) acknowledges how it is impossible for a human being to not be forgetful. Until then, that's where the struggle, the Jihad, lies upon I think.
Life, is just so fricken' scary a lot of times. I don't know if I'm going to be okay in the future based on what's happening now. What is decreed and what is in my control can be utterly confusing to tell apart. And I end up getting stuck in a limbo of distraction (watching shows, re-reading Bachelorette recaps and look up pictures of pretty celebrities) to make myself calm...until the point I realize that I wasted time and missed out on good opportunities. I worry so much about loss, in regards to friends, intellect, and personal growth. The prospects of a healthy love life feels unreachable at times especially when I am still pinging on a past significant other(s). I am terribly frightened of people who know me, who knew my secrets, and the feeling that they may think lowly of me or spread that perspective on others. I am also afraid that I will never stop making my mother and other family feel burdened by the problems I have, and that they may resent me for the mistakes I have done. And I am especially afraid of my past sins haunting me, making me feel less of a person in the eyes of God.
But with all of that said, I still need to remember that things are actually fine. Well, those current "issues" I ruminate about are still very real to me but there's still some light to all of this. That in the big picture, the flaws I have are forgiven, that things will be better.
Supplication for anxiety and sorrow
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