Saturday, 27 October 2012

What I wrote in Kelantan



If you’re reading this now, you should know that this isn’t typed on blogger, I’m typing this on Microsoft Word because I’m at Tanah Merah Kelantan right now where there is, sadly, not a single wireless network to connect!
Well, there is ONE but it needs a password. And it would be unethical to use a neighbor’s expense paid network just because you’re in desperation to alleviate your boredom during nocturnal hours.
 This will probably be copy-pasted later on. But if not, then I’m not talking to anyone I guess because no one would read this besides myself who is currently doing the typing. :forever alone mode: (Yeah, I’ll cry you, or myself, a river if I could :p )
Tomorrow will be Raya Hajj and I’m not putting any effort to go to sleep and wake up early. Well, I’m not used to sleeping at the right times, basically. (In lefie’s term, the right times would mean from 10 to 12.30) But it’s also partly due to the fact that I’m anxious and stressed out to what my SAT score would be. My best rational guess for the outcome would be 1700-1800, but then again, it could be worse. And maybe by some miracle, it would be 1900 and above.
But one thing’s for sure, I really REALLY do not want to go for another SAT reasoning test. Why? Because if I go for another test, it’ll cost another 300 sums of MYR from Mother’s purse and I would gulp down the most guilt-infested lump of stone if that happens. Stones do not taste good in general.
I don’t even think it’s possible for me to catch up to the SAT score report deadline for some of my choice Universities who have higher standards of meeting their requirements regarding the 75 percentile of admitted students.
Lastly, there’s a huge possibility that it might not change anything and even worse, the scores would be worse than before. All that dough spent, to life’s waste-bin it goes. 
What I want more than anything right now (except the fact that my scores would be better than what my pessimistic thoughts anticipated) is to have the inspiration to write something for my essays, and recommendation letters. I, for one, am not good at writing serious things. I’m a non-conformist when it comes to writing. I’d put forward writing a load of crap on my blog rather than writing about things that actually matters such as what is said above.

For the essays, I guess it’s my own problem. But who does a recommendation letter regarding his/her own attributes and character?
*sigh* I’m really gonna have to try though; I’ve got no time to lose now…

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

It's 1:12 AM and what am I doing now.

I WANT MORE PEOPLE TO SHARE MY ENTHUSIASM!!!
Meh, back to the real world.

LOL I googled "google.com" just now. Why do I even bother...

Something I know Zara would say to me upon reading this, and what I would always think of whenever I densely act out retarded things...

Saturday, 20 October 2012

Diamond in The Rough.

I can't deny it,
This blooming, aggravating hatred I have towards you,
And for what you might ask?
Well generally, I'm very insecure.

I feel as if I'm not good enough as your friend,
I feel as if I am deteriorating,
As if I'm failing to uphold a special place in your life.

And I want to so bad, you mean so much to me.
You're one of the friends I have who withstood by me from thick and thin,
A diamond in the rough.

And in courtesy of that old school song, "Diamonds are a girl's best friend",
I call you diamond,
Not just because I think you're breathtakingly beautiful,
Not just because you are desired by many (irresistible...?)
Not just because your actions are devoid of impurity,
But it's mainly because, you are one of those people whom I want to keep forever in my care.
So that no one can hurt you.

But lately I feel as if I'm hurting you,
And in the same way I am hurting myself,
Maybe I can't keep you with me forever,
I can't be engulfed in greed,

Though by far, you're too precious to let go.

After you are passed on to someone else,

I can always take a gander on how happy you are and visit you again.

For now, I hope you are always content with everything you are blessed with,
Live a fulfilling life,
And may the Lord forever have you in His care and shower you with love and peace.

Thursday, 18 October 2012

The Moth

Hard as I try,
Stretching every bit of my limb,
To gain back what Allah has given me before,
The joviality of flight.

Clumsy as I may seem,
I'm struggling,
'Till the very last movement my soul jerks,
I want to be free.

But nothing can change this fate of mine,
I am not forever airborne,
I am ephemeral.
And so is this world.

Yet I'm still trying,
Every last bit of my strength, to yet again embrace this beautiful world.
Oh wings! Why have you failed me!
You used to do so much more...

Alas, my potential has tugged me down.
I am too tired,
The height I have reached would bring me to no avail.

It's alright, the world isn't that great anyway,
My Lord has much more in store for me,
And without a doubt, He knows best.

I've done my duty,
Now I leave with my beautiful outer wings masked by my inner wings,
My pretty legs up and stiffened,
I lay disclosed in the corner,
As a reminder for others to see.

I'm so pissed off tonight. Really just because your other friend texted you on how mad she is for the mistreatment she was given, why disregard the other one who has undergone the same thing and is just as mad and probably more hurt just because she didn't text how pissed off she is.

If you want to show your credibility on feeling sorry for someone,
PLEASE treat the others who have gone through the same deal as much as you would to her.
It's just not fair. Mistreatment is felt in all of us, not just in HER. And just because she means to you more than we do.

But whatever, Assholes.

What's on my mind.

Thought my hair would be long enough for me to french-braid it.
Nahhh not gonna happen. *sigh* It's a crime when you have mastered the art of braiding when you had never once done it to yourself.

Well I guess it's one of my everyday thoughts when I look in the mirror and see my poof-ball tresses, it's as if my face couldn't be rounder without the help of a frizzy, afro-like, dry Asian hair. So after my failed attempt to braid ze hair, I decided to make a blogpost.

Wow, it's been like, almost a fortnight that I haven't made a single blogpost. Not much of a shock really, since I activated my facebook account 2-days after I have taken the SAT. *sigh* not much of a record to hold. I'm such a bad heterodox teen -______-

Reasons why I activated it again,...no valid reason. Well I've received signs from people that I need to activate it again for the sake of being in the know regarding club activities, my courses and of course, to counteract some of my friends comments and rants. I would feel sorta left out, because the friends I'm close to now are avid fb-ers and of course I want to be a part of them...in their social-networking life. Because that's how desperate I am to get close to them, to know everything about them, how they're feeling and to know what sort of mark I've left in their life(not just in terms of the cyberworld).

I feel as if I haven't left a significant mark on anyone's life. (insecure-stick-in-the-mud-angsty-teen mode commencing....) I'm just so...plain boring I guess. I rarely say anything that would interest anyone. And almost everything I say aren't well received or ignored by people. It hurts a lot. It happens at home, with friends...and even to the friends I'm really close with. It's just sad. As if my existence doesn't matter to anyone but me.

I feel as if I'm special to no one. And even if I was or am, that title would just last for a moment, cause I know they'll find someone much better than me. In no doubt that's the reason why I feel like I've lost so many people I deem to have special connections with before.

And in no doubt, that's how things are going to happen with the current people I'm close with right now. This wouldn't matter so much if my personality isn't so needy. I need care, I need love, I need the people who I shower my affection and thoughtfulness to return the favor. I can't stand being the puppy on the roadside who is only regarded for its cuteness and readiness to make everyone's life shine brighter when they completely ignore the fact that it deserves morsels of treats for every lick and full-fledged attention it gives to people because he's just really a lost and hungry puppy.

But reading back what I wrote just now, I realize that I'm very SELF-ABSORBED.
I need to turn away from this disorder.
Oh Allah, you are the only one who can hear my cries of loneliness and pain! Please grant me sincerity in my actions and please improve my thoughts to think of you! For I know you are silently responding to whatever I have in mind. You are most-loving, and eternal.

Well I'm gonna go get ready to break my fast now...
Sorry I didn't say Assalamualaikum at the beginning of this post.
I'm gonna practice it from now on.
Assalamualaikum.

Thursday, 4 October 2012

Rwam Nyrb Ak. Ak.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAS PLANET!

The SAT is this SATurday! (just to emphasize this not so ironic irony)

Am I prepared?...well no.
My previous mock tests hadn't made me optimistic to what I think my real scores would be like.
I mean, an average of 1860??? am I really going anywhere?!

Critical reading is an obvious detriment but what hurts more is the Writing section. Some people find it surprising that I'm weak in this section, but what can I do when it is actual and factual that I SUCK at determining the best answer to a grammar faulty sentence??

Is there actual hope for me to enroll in this wonderful place?




Oh Allah please give me greater insight when answering the questions. Please ease my thoughts to nothing but ultimate focus in all the sections especially Critical Reading. If my family is reading this, please PLEASE pray for me. I want nothing else but the best for my future and my family's future...

Prayers from friends are delightful as well, and may the Lord bless you for your kindness.