No Face

I'm alone, I am Lonely...

Thinking back each time referencing to Hiyao Miyazaki's 'Spirited Away', I did not realize how intrigued I was to the monster "No face". His character seem to contain some sort of breathtaking depth which really stood out for me than all the other characters in the movie. I somehow find the way he communicates to Chihiro/Sen, uttering only a chafing  "Aaah...aah"  while offering her gold or bath tokens, charming. I normally repel to characters whom I deem to be of no significance to the story or would label as "loser" at the twitch of my nose, but there's so much to relate about this distinct cartoon character.

   Old people, for instance, have the most awful case of feeling lonely. My aunt told me a story before about this aunt she had, now deceased, that was sent to an Old Folks Home due to being ostracized to members of her own family. During the time when she was living, she wasn't given the rizq to marry anyone and most of my family members despised her, saying that she was rotten and she treated people rottenly. She hadn't any mental illness, but she had an odd habit of picking out dirt and rubbish scattered by the roadside, which everyone else in the neighborhood would label her insane when she really isn't. My aunt visited her frequently in the home, but had always left the place scarred by depression and pity. I myself had once seen loneliness in the eyes of a Chinese senior citizen from a visit to an Old Folks Home in Kajang. She was a 90-something with almost no family and had communication problems since none of the other Chinese folks and caretakers could understand her dialect. Her eyes mystified me and put me into transition of imagining her as my grandmother, who turned 90 just this year. I wanted to hold her hand almost all the time during the visit to make her feel happy, and tried my best not to let my emotions overcome me and cry to the bitter realization that this woman has absolutely no one to connect with.

At least you had a peaceful train-ride with Chihiro :)

    Young people sometimes have it just as bad, especially when they are perceived as different. A quote by one young Michael Jackson got to me back then "Sometimes it's hard for me to look my dates in the eye even if I know them well. My dating and relationships with girls have not had the happy ending I've been looking for. Something always seems to get in the way. The things I share with millions of people aren't the sort of things you share with one. Many girls want to know what makes me tick - why I live the way I live or do the things I do - trying to get inside my head. They want to rescue me from loneliness, but they do it in such a way that they give me the impression they want to share my loneliness, which I wouldn't wish on anybody, because I believe I'm one of the loneliest people in the world." And not many people realize this, how one of the greatest entertainers had his share of feeling excruciatingly forlorn. He once put mannequins in his house and talk to them, wishing that they could come alive and answer back.

   I sometimes feel the wrath of loneliness as well. Especially after losing people I had really good relationships with before. Trouble is I have difficulty in expressing the reason why I'm like that, as the way I have difficulty in expressing everything else about myself. And I know I can't fully blame the personality disorder, since I think that was only a way for me to have an official excuse when it clearly isn't the case. I don't see myself a misfit as much as I was before. Eating alone in the high school cafeteria back then wasn't a bother to me at all as it was to other people observing me. Which probably made me bother it more intensely since other people bothered about it more than I did. So sometimes now I don't bother eating at all if I had no one to go with. I might think of having a few pets, maybe a cat, hamsters and a bunch of fishes. Heck, I'm even thinking of an iguana for a companion. Maybe after the stresses of human relationships, they'll welcome me lovingly even if they actually just want me to feed them.

I ponder at people who live life in utter bliss. Those who feel competent, complete and carefree of worry, well, at least excessive worrying. But as the song "With A Child's Heart" by Michael Jackson goes, almost none of it could be achieved by anyone other than children. Though through my belief and understanding, this wouldn't entirely be the case. Devout Muslims seem to have more insight to these factors as they are in constant strife to build and mold themselves better for no one other than our Rabb, pertaining to the actual goal of life. I long for the strength of their Iman, wondering if I'll ever be in the least bit like them.

  And the ones who fostered the most of my envy are those who were blessed with eternal enlightenment as they weren't before. I can name a few of my friends and family members who before regularly disregarded the hijab now adorn them in the most beautiful demeanor. I stand in awe as they continue to bloom like morning glories, always in search for the light. And I stand only as the quiet and pathetic observing shrub.

  There are so many things I want to change about myself, most notably my naivety, inattentiveness, and sensitivity. Funny thing I came across to two days ago, it was a quiz on personality disorders, and I have the highest symptoms for being a "dependent". That is to be explained by its definition; Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. Dependents often remain in abusive relationships. Over-sensitivity to disapproval is common. Dependents often feel helpless and depressed. This might not be entirely true for me, but I sure as hell agree with the part about the need to be taken care of, fear of losing people, make others do my decisions(not necessarily important ones, I'm just naturally indecisive to almost everything), jump from relationship to relationship, over-sensitivity to disapproval, and of course, feeling helpless and depressed. I'm not totally ashamed of this, but it does make me think of myself as a pathetic loser. I have no reason to be like this since there are more things I need to be more thankful of, but it certainly does kill me and leave me discouraged every time the realization strikes. At times I'd like to shout at everyone "I'm not looking for your approval, I wish to be comfortable with my own skin without any care from your judgement!" but I know it's not true, I long for approval, acceptance. I want to be heard of, through my cries and joys. I've only came across only a few jems who are able to understand. And a few others who I thought would have understood, but in the end become remotely indifferent to my existence.

    I'm not yearning for a romantic relationship, I don't think I'm able to withstand in it anyway. Maybe I'd rather surround myself with creatures of wild like Ace Ventura and remain an "anak dara" for the rest of my life. But I want those jems to be kept with me wherever I go. And may the Lord bless them for their kindness.

I'm in INTI now, but as for the paintings I'm going to need help from friends for the picture taking, so it might take longer for me to upload. And I made a sketch for the new painting I'm going to work on. I'll show it for the "before" phase, and compare it to the "after" to see if it turned out nice our like "taik".


HAHAHAH I did this when I was depressed yesterday. I guess it is a medium for creativity(?) :D

Entrancing Verdancy

Went through old photo albums again, and I just adore this picture of my parents :)

May their marriage be cherished eternally though now separate, InsyaAllah.
Al-Fatihah to my dad.

Wee Babies

A frequent hobby of mine is to look at old family photo albums :D

It's fun to see how much different or not-so different you and your family looked like back then. And it's especially fun to see funny pictures you thought knew existed before. I've always had great maniacal laughs on the kitchen floor where in front of me would be piles of photo albums of different sizes. But I guess sometimes it's annoying when you find out that there aren't many images of you compared to your other siblings. But the ones that have do bring a lot of vague memories like the time I was three and my father's side of the family had a grand family day where I puked in the hotel pool. I remembered that because I was surprised on how the pool suddenly had a transition from sea-blue to yoghurt pink. Well, actually I almost always remember the moments where I vomited unexpectedly as a toddler. Oh well, no matter how odd or embarrassing a memory might be, it's fun to reminisce.

* Me and Hafiz * Baby Kayyah

* Baby Zaki      * Baby Tasnim

*Baby Hafiz