Yesterday's thoughts

#1 Thought - In the car on the way to INTI.

The winding road was nauseating, and the 90s rock music from my brother's MP3 certainly did not help to ease the queasiness. But whatever, he's the driver. My little sister had her scarf folded on the top of her head and refrains from looking at the road. I guess I am not alone in this torment.

Conversations came in swifts. Rants here and there. And a small remembrance was expressed by my little sister. "Saya igt lagi mase dulu Ayoh hantar saya gi skolah. Ayoh pegi kat jalan 3 instead of jalan 4 and ktrong tunggu lame baru ayoh sedar" Translate: I still remember back then when dad sent me to school one time. He went to Jalan 3(most of my siblings went here before) instead of Jalan 4. We already stayed in the car for a while before he realized he sent me to the wrong school. As insignificant as most of the tales that were usually told by my sister, this one triggered me to think a bit more.

My father was someone who was always there when you needed him. I mean, even in things that I thought wasn't necessary to be done, he still performed it for our sake. I always remember the days during primary school where I and my siblings called him every time we missed the bus to pick us up and send us there instead. He won’t ever say he was busy during work or anything, never reluctance. He drove straight from work and sent us without haste. And he was never mad at us for missing the bus, much more it seemed like a pleasure to him.

The time my dad came to my primary school to accompany me getting my UPSR result (The most important test in primary school), was shameful as any dark and sombre memory would be. He couldn't accept the fact I didn't get straight As. In turn, I felt his disappointment as he had shown it well. I used to think he was being a bit hard on me, but seeing when both situations that were mention conjoins, I wasn't being fair to him. Not in the least bit was I fair to him.

#2 Thought - My best friends' predicaments.

I won’t say what they were as personal things should be kept personal. But the thought converges from these types of questions: How is "trust" in friendship? What is there to believe in friendship? How is marriage a beautiful thing? How is a man so sure to propose to someone?

I'm not a psychologist, I don't have the proper acumen to discuss this. But since I am writing about my thoughts from yesterday in this blogpost, I'll just write on what I think and believe in.

This friend of mine stated that trust has its limit: you can put your trust on a friend, but you can never expect too much from them. The ties we have in this dunya are mainly the pleasures we receive, one to name is the pleasure of the human touch. It feels nice to depend on someone to share your problems and secrets with, hanging out and have good fun, and the best thing you can feel from someone else is their love and care for you. But “reality check” time: every single thing in this world will be gone, all that matters is what you would bring for the afterlife. It's wonderful to have friends, to gain trust and meaningful fellowship. What you will benefit is righteous, but only if you treat it with ultimate sincerity, understanding and devoid of all judgment. But when something bad happens to that friendship you have, when your perspective on that special friend changes from what that person had done, who would you think of first: yourself or that person who might be in trouble?  It seems as if all those good times you had came crashing down, and you feel hurt and lied to, you'd never think someone can deceive you from all the times you put your trust and belief in. But please realize, that dilemma did not happen to you. So who is more deserving to feel sorry for, you or that person who goes through it? You may feel hurt, but that person needs guidance. It would be cruel if you hadn't done anything to come to his aid. InsyaAllah you will be rewarded well if you give that effort, but if you don't, it might just haunt you for the rest of your life for something you could have done.

But it really takes a lot away right? your trust, expectations. But at the end of the day, that person is not perfect. You really cannot hope for him/her to live up to your expectations, understanding is what it takes to realize this. All you can do is learn from it, be cautious and only depend on the most perfect, most rightful One who can never ever fail your expectations of Him.

On the thoughts of marriage on the other hand, it is indeed a beautiful thing. As a whole, you will get the purest relationship with the person you love. You can't think of it as something negative. It's dreadfully complicated but it's never a bad thing.

Knowing who the person you want to be with can be a fickle, it NEEDS mutuality and loyalty. I would hold on to this thought that a man who says he wants to propose to someone is indeed not giving much thought on it. But I really don't know this, because for real, I don't know what to believe in men. As far as I see things, you change your mind a lot. Not saying us women do not, but we tend to be more loyal (stating this based on experience people). So really, how do you really KNOW she's the one you want to spend time with for the rest of your life? do you give much thought on it? Do you really? I would think the reason why you changed your mind is because you lack mutuality of feeling with that person. But then why propose in the first place? why not like her and be done with? Because proposing is a HUGE deal that should never be broken when uttered. Yikes, this thought turns out to bring more confusions than conclusions in my head. Oh well, I'm too young to think of these things. I guess I'm not as mature as I thought I was.